


The Words We Never Said

by Trashcanakin



Series: Trash's 2019 Bingo fills [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Don't copy to another site, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Suicide Idealization, bad time for a phone call, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-09 15:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19478425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trashcanakin/pseuds/Trashcanakin
Summary: It was Bucky's birthday, he hated this day; and hearing Tony say he didn't like him made it so much worse.





	The Words We Never Said

**Author's Note:**

> Made for BBB Square: K1 - Misunderstandings
> 
> \---
> 
> There is no suicide or suicide attempts in this, but Bucky is having some rough thoughts and idealization of death is implied. Be safe & read with caution. 💛
> 
> \---
> 
> This is unbetad an' very hastily edited on my part. I'm having a rough day after a rough couple weeks an', well, angst. I wrote this on a whim an' it probably doesn't make a lotta sense. Sorry for mistakes.

It was Bucky's birthday.

He was over a hundred now, technically. His birthday wasn't special anymore. Now all he could think about was how many birthdays he'd missed being trapped as HYDRA's pet assassin for seventy years. He'd missed so many.

Ever since his capture by HYDRA his birthday had been plagued by darkness. Knowledge of all their plans for him, pain he would cause, lives he would take. Knowing there was nothing he could do about it; he was chained up and they had the keys.

Dark thoughts encased his mind.

_If I'd died I never would have done those things. I wasn't even strong enough to do that._

He was free from them now, but the knowledge of what he was supposed to do had morphed into memories and nightmares of what he'd already done.

He had to live with that now.

He didn't celebrate his birthday anymore.

\---

He was free from them, tried living a new life, but still managed to cause destruction. He didn't deserve any more birthdays.

The bombing at the Accords Council and death of King T'Chaka still happened, not caused by him, but in his name. The Civil War still happened, and even though it wasn't really his fault, he still found it easy to blame himself.

Everyone said that Tony Stark would be the death of the Avengers, but Bucky knew the truth.

Bucky killed the Avengers.

\---

That's why he found it so hard to wrap his head around the fact that Tony Stark, the man he'd probably hurt more than anyone else, worked so hard to clear his name, to help him. Not only with his freedom, but with the triggers and therapy too. Hell, he'd even worked with Shuri to make him a new arm.

Tony Stark gave him a new weapon that could be used against him, and he did it with a smile and an apology.

_"It wasn't your fault, Buckaroo. Yeah, you did it, and yes I was angry for a while, but I was in the wrong there. I shouldn't have let my anger get the best of me. But! I fix things, that's what I do. I broke your arm, I make you a new one. That's how it works….you don't have to accept it, if you don't want."_

Bucky didn't understand back then.

But he does now.

Tony Stark is brilliant, kind, selfless...amazing; Bucky will never understand how he got so lucky. How a man like Tony could look at him the way he does.

It has been three years since the Rogues came home, three years since the Accords were finalized, three years since he'd officially met Tony on better terms.

Three years of them growing closer.

Three years which gave them this _thing_ between them.

It was soft, and fragile, something neither of them talked about but both knew existed between them.

Bucky was ready to move it to the next step, even though it terrified him to do so.

He was almost certain Tony felt the same.

\---

Anyways, birthday. It was Bucky's birthday.

He'd convinced everyone the first two years not to bring it up, that he didn't want to celebrate, and for everyone to leave him alone. They reluctantly agreed.

Birthdays were never great for Bucky anymore, and he spent them holed up in his room.

But this year was different.

He was getting better, opening up more, smiling more… Tony had convinced him to let them celebrate this year. Nothing big, but just them. The new Avengers. Their family.

He agreed.

But he didn't wake up in a really great mood, he expected it. He just hopes he can pull himself out of the dark funk before he's supposed to go see everyone.

Leave it to Bucky to ruin things, after all.

"Sergeant Barnes?" FRIDAY's voice called through the speakers in his dark room, breaking him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah?" he rasped out. His voice was gravelly, he should get some water, if he could coax himself out of bed.

"Boss said he wished to speak with you, if you were awake," she said.

Bucky smiled, a barely there upturn of the lips. If anyone could brighten his day, it would be Tony.

"Alright, patch me through," he told her.

Bucky sat up on his bed, hoping he could pull himself together enough not to cause Tony any alarm.

Then he heard Tony's voice on the other end.

_"I don't want you, leave me alone."_

Bucky froze, feeling like he'd been doused in frigid ice water.

Had he read everything all wrong?

He and Tony had been growing closer, he'd thought. With the longing glances, the pet names, the casual brushes of hands in passing.

Maybe he _was_ reading it wrong. Tony was kind, he acted that way to everyone, in a way. Maybe he was only being nice because he felt bad for Bucky.

Maybe he finally figured out that Bucky was totally gone on him and he wanted to cut that cord. Full stop.

_Shit. Bucky you're an idiot._

Why is his face wet? Is he crying?

Bucky ended the call, he didn't want to hear the rest. He already felt his heart break by those few words, he didn't need it shredded apart by all the reasons Tony didn't, couldn't, love him back as well.

He locked his doors and slumped back into bed.

He hated his birthday.

\---

"Bucky? Hello?" Tony said in confusion, but the line was dead.

\---

"Fri, baby, did James call me?" he asked his AI.

"Yes, Boss. I connected him through as you asked, but he overheard you speaking to the dog and hung up."

"Shit," Tony let out a sigh. "Can you call him back?"

"His phone has been shut off and he requested that I not let anyone bother him. I'm sorry, Boss," she replied, sounding upset, apology deep in her tone.

\---

Tony spent the next few minutes trying to contact Bucky, to no prevail, and FRIDAY, bless her, was no help; but, it was expected. He set up the privacy protocols to help Bucky feel better, more safe, when he'd first arrived at the tower, and he was proud of his little girl for sticking to it.

Even if he'd gotten himself into this mess.

He made his way to Bucky's room and tried the door.

\---

_"James, please let me in."_

_"Please, honey, I messed up. Those words weren't meant for you."_

_"I'm not leaving until you let me in."_

_"James, please."_

\---

Bucky felt like Hell. Tony had been outside his door for nearly an hour trying to get his attention, but Bucky couldn't even respond. Couldn't even muster enough courage to tell him to go away in fear that his voice would break.

He didn't want Tony to feel worse.

Didn't want to cause the man anymore pain.

Tony stopped calling out to him, but he knew the man didn't leave.

There was the sound of shuffling and a light thud.

Tony was sitting in the hallway by his door, he noted.

But Bucky remained silent.

\---

"Fri, what do I do?" Tony spoke quietly to his AI. "I really messed this up, didn't I? I don't know how to get him to let me in."

"Maybe, tell him how you feel, Boss?" she tried.

"I don't want to confess my feelings to him through a door," he scoffed.

FRIDAY'S accompanying silence spoke volumes, but she piped up after a brief pause, "Do you want in, or don't you?"

Tony let out a weak sigh, "What if he doesn't feel the same?"

\---

"Miss Friday?"

"Yes, Sergeant Barnes?"

"Is he still there?"

"He is."

\---

After thirty minutes of sitting on the floor lost in thought and drowning in nerves, Tony tried again.

"James, please let me in."

The only response he received was more silence.

"What you heard, it wasn't...I was talking to someone else, James. Please believe that. Those words weren't meant for you."

"I care about you, James. A lot, actually. If you would just let me explain."

"I'll sit here all night if I have to."

\---

Bucky shifted in his bed. He was uncomfortable, and hearing the defeated sound in Tony's voice just made him feel worse.

He was being ridiculous.

He should just let him in and get it over with, but he was weak.

He wanted so desperately to believe what Tony was saying, but how could he after what he'd heard over the phone?

Tony cared for him, of course he did, but not the way Bucky had thought. And right now, Bucky wasn't sure he could deal with that.

But Tony was still outside his door, still calling out to him in hopes he would be heard.

Bucky was so lost in his own inner turmoil he didn't even register what Tony had been saying for the last ten minutes.

He brought his attention back to the other man's muffled words.

_"If you don't feel the same, I understand, but honey, please know that I am sorry. For what I said, for anything I ever did to make you not want this; and for not realizing it sooner."_

What?

There was a pause outside and Bucky heard Tony shuffle to his feet.

_"I won't bother you anymore."_

\---

"Miss Friday, open the door, please?" Bucky said.

\---

When the door finally opened, Tony stopped mid step. He was surprised, but a shred of happiness began to fill him. He had to fix this.

"James?" he called. "May I come in?"

"I'm not really in the mood, Tony, but the door is open. Let's get this over with, yeah?" he replied in a grumble.

Bucky was facing the wall, his back to the other man. He refused to turn around. If Tony was going to tell him he isn't good enough, or shoot his feelings down, he didn't want to see it happen. Hearing it will be hard enough.

Tony made his way across the room, feet making soft sounds across the carpet, and stood by the edge of the bed Bucky was laying on. He was about to speak up, and apologize, clear up the miscommunication, but Bucky cut the silence.

"You don't want me, I heard ya loud an' clear, Tony. Ya ain't gotta try an' make me feel better. I understand," Bucky grumbled.

"Oh, Honey. I'm so sorry-" Tony began.

"It's fine," Bucky piped up, cutting the other man off. "Please just...just get this over with and leave."

"James, please, I _do_ want you. How could I not? You're...you're amazing. I could tell you a whole list of reasons why I do. I wasn't talking to you when I said that, what you heard, I was...I was talking to the dog, please believe that."

After a short pause, Bucky piped up in confusion, barely a whisper, "Dog?"

"Uhm, yeah. I, uh...I got a dog," he stammered.

Bucky finally turned his head to look at the other man, but remained silent.

"Uh, well, you see. It's not for- it's, he's for you," Tony struggled to find the right words. He really messed this up and didn't want to make anything worse.

The puppy surprise wasn't supposed to go this way.

Bucky's brows furrowed, "What?" he rasped.

Tony let out a sigh and tried to compose himself. "The dog is for you. I know we didn't talk about it a lot, but I remember you mentioning wanting a dog a few months ago, and I don't even know if you were serious or if you were just saying it on a whim, but, well, you know me. I don't, uh, I get outta hand sometimes and well, I saw the dog and I got him. For you. I was hoping he would make your birthday better, and I really wanted you to have a good day and all. And well, you have a nice smile that makes me feel all kinds of weird, so that helps, too. Good incentive," he rambled.

Bucky continued to stare, brows raising.

"I mean, if you don't want him, then I can give him back, or find a new owner. That can be arranged! Yeah, you know, on second thought, I probably should have asked first, pets are a lot of work. Wow, some genius I am. You know, I've never been real good at gifts, everyone says so, James, I am so sorry. Not sure what I was thinking to be honest, I-"

"Tony! Tony, calm down, you're talkin' so fast I can barely keep up," Bucky called, shifting and moving to sit in front of the other man, cutting off his manic ramblings.

"You were talking to the dog," Bucky said, more as a statement to himself than a question.

Tony's cheeks reddened slightly, probably from embarrassment. Meeting Bucky's eyes, he said, "Yes. He wouldn't leave me alone, was chewing on my screwdrivers, and I was trying to get some work done, and well, I didn't notice Fri connected the call, and I just-"

"Tony, breathe, doll," Bucky chuckled, reaching out and lightly brushing the other man's cheek. "You want me?" he said gently, almost unable to believe it.

Tony inhaled deeply and let it out in a soft sigh.

"Yes, James, I do; and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you, even by accident."

"S'alright, doll. It was a misunderstanding, and my fault. I should be the one apologizin' to ya," Bucky said.

"No, you shouldn't," Tony replied, bringing his hand up to where Bucky's was still resting on his cheek, pulling it into his grasp. "I knew you didn't like your birthday, and I shouldn't have pressured you into anything. I'm so sorry. And if you want to stay in here today, that's fine. More than fine! I can tell the others, they'll understand."

"I want to see the dog," Bucky said abruptly.

A smile broke Tony's face, "Yeah?" he chuckled.

"Yeah," Bucky replied, with a small grin of his own. "But one thing first."

Before Tony could question it, Bucky moved forwards and pressed his lips to Tony's softly. It was chaste and didn't last long, but Tony melted into it anyways.

Tony pressed their foreheads together and they shared a smile neither could see, but both knew was there.

"That was," Tony started.

"Okay?" Bucky asked.

"Perfect," came Tony's reply.

\---

Bucky loved the dog.

And despite the miscommunication, it was his favourite birthday. 


End file.
